How to Talk to Your Partner When They Shut Down

Many people in a relationship may find themselves dealing with their partner shutting down. This can be a very frustrating and confusing experience...

Marriage
May 23, 2025

Introduction

Many people in a relationship may find themselves dealing with their partner shutting down. This can be a very frustrating and confusing experience.Often, partners don't know how to communicate with each other when this happens.In this blog post, we will explore some tips on how to talk to your partner when they shut down.We hope that this information will help you to better understand your partner and strengthen your relationship.

Approach the Conversation with an Open Mind

One of the most difficult challenges in any relationship is learning how to communicate effectively.This can be especially true when one partner shuts down during arguments or disagreements. If you find yourself in this situation, try to approach the conversation with an open mind.Try to understand why your partner is withdrawing from the discussion.

Is there something that is making them feel uncomfortable or unsafe?Once you have a better understanding of their perspective, you can begin to work on finding a solution that works for both of you.With patience and effort, you can learn how to communicate effectively even when it feels like your partner is shutting down.This is a good thing to consider when learning how to talk to your partner when they shut down.

Listen to a transcript of this blog post.

Acknowledge the your Partner is Probably Feeling Overwhelmed

Acknowledging this can be an important step in getting them to open up.

You might say something like,

  • "I can see that you're feeling overwhelmed. Can you tell me what's going on?"
  • "It sounds like you don't want to talk about this right now. Is that true?"
  • "I'm here for you when you're ready to talk."

This shows that you are attuned to their emotional state and that you want to help them. It also gives them the space to start talking about what is bothering them.If they do not want to talk, simply being there for them and letting them know that you are available can be helpful.Learning how to communicate with your partner when they shut down is about patience, understanding, and respect. This is a good step when learning how to talk to your partner when they shut down.

Don't Take their Shutting Down Personally

It can be easy to take your partner's shutting down personally when you're in the middle of an argument. After all, it feels like they're deliberately choosing to withdraw from the conversation instead of engaging with you.It's important to remember that shutting down is usually a defense mechanism that people use when they feel overwhelmed or threatened.When your partner shuts down, they're usually not trying to hurt you or end the conversation; they're just trying to protect themselves from feeling overwhelmed.

If you can remember this, it will be easier to respond in a way that helps to de-escalate the situation instead of making things worse.Try to stay calm and avoid getting defensive yourself; instead, focus on soothing your partner and creating a safe space for them to open up again.With patience and understanding, you should be able to help your partner feel safe enough to talk through whatever is troubling them.

Ask Questions to Try and Understand What's Going On

One way to do this is to ask questions.Asking questions shows that you care about your partner and want to understand their perspective.It also allows you to clarify any misunderstandings.

It is important to avoid asking leading or loaded questions. Instead, try to ask open-ended questions that will allow your partner to share their thoughts and feelings. The following are some examples of questions you could ask:

  • "Can you tell me what's going on?"
  • "What are you feeling?"
  • "What can I do to help you feel better?"
  • "Is there anything I can do to make this situation better?"
  • "Do you want to talk about this now or would you like some time to think about it?"

These questions allow your partner to share as much or as little as they want. They also give you a better understanding of what is going on and how you can help.If your partner is still unwilling to talk, you could try asking them if there is anything you can do to help them feel better. This shows that you care about their well-being and want to support them.

a lone man soothing with a self hug looking down

Offer Support and Encourage them to Open Up

Once you have asked questions and gathered information, you can offer support.This might involve simply listening to your partner and offering understanding and empathy.It could also involve physical touch, such as a hug or holding their hand. This can help to soothe and comfort them.You could also offer to help with whatever is causing them stress.

This might involve taking on some of their responsibilities or helping to solve the problem.Offering support shows that you care about your partner and want to help them through this difficult time.It can also encourage them to open up and share what is going on.

Be Patient

Learning how to communicate with your partner when they shut down takes time and patience.Remember that everyone deals with difficult emotions differently. Some people might need more time than others to process their feelings.If you try to force them to open up before they are ready, it may only make them more resistant.Instead, try to create an environment where they feel safe and comfortable opening up.Once you have established a good communication foundation, you will be better equipped to handle difficult conversations.

couples looking at each other while standing on a beach

Seek Professional Help if Necessary

If you have tried everything and your partner is still unwilling to communicate, it might be time to seek professional help.A therapist can help you and your partner to identify the root of the problem and find healthy ways to communicate.Therapy can also help to improve your relationship and make it stronger.If you are struggling to communicate with your partner, don't hesitate to seek professional help.

Self-Care During Your Partner's Emotional Shutdown

When your partner shuts down emotionally, it can feel like you're walking on eggshells. It's important to remember that their reaction is not a reflection of your worth. Instead, it's a sign they are dealing with stress. Here's how you can manage your feelings during these times:

  • Take Deep Breaths - This simple act can help calm your nerves and clear your mind. It's a small step towards having a productive conversation.
  • Maintain Self Worth - Remember, your value is not defined by your partner's reaction. You are deserving of a healthy relationship regardless of how they are coping with their stress.
  • Express Your Feelings - If you feel hurt, express it in a calm and composed manner. Use eye contact to show sincerity.
  • Set a Specific Time for Conversations - Timing is crucial. The best thing is to have these serious discussions when both of you are less stressed.

It's okay to feel overwhelmed when your wife, husband, girlfriend, or boyfriend shuts down. It's also normal to seek guidance for your confusion when learning how to communicate with someone who shuts down. Couples therapy can be beneficial if the emotional shutdowns become too frequent. It can provide tools to navigate these challenging situations.

Overcomers Counseling Can Help on What To Do When Your Partner Shuts Down

When your partner is giving you the silent treatment or some other form of an emotional shut down, it feel frustrating and overwhelming.Overcomers Counseling in Colorado Springs offers specialized support to help couples navigate these challenging moments.

With a focus on emotion-focused therapy, their experienced therapists work with you to develop effective communication skills and strategies to self-soothe and give your partner space when needed.

It's important to consider addressing issues of psychological overwhelm and helping partners access their vulnerable side, Overcomers Counseling aims to improve emotional connection and reduce instances where people emotionally shut down.

Locations and Contact Information

Address

Phone Number

5585 Erindale Dr Suite 204, Colorado Springs, CO 80918

(719) 345-2424

4440 Barnes Rd Suite 100, Colorado Springs, CO 80917

(719) 602-1342

825 E Citadel Dr Suite 250, Colorado Springs, CO 80909

(719) 452-4374

2860 S Circle Dr Suite G45, Colorado Springs, CO 80906

(719) 481-3518

5245 Centennial Blvd Suite 205, Colorado Springs, CO 80919

(719) 203-7021

3091 S Jamaica Ct Suite 140, Aurora, CO 80014

(720) 449-4121

2099 US-50 Suite 160, Pueblo, CO 81008

(719) 696-3439

Disclaimer

The content in this blog post is meant to be used for informational purposes only. Please do not use this as a substitute for professional advice. If you need help please reach out to a licensed professional.

Conclusion

If your partner shuts down, it can be difficult to know how to communicate with them.Some may feel like they are not being heard, while other feel like it's the only way to respond if they feel they constantly get blamed for things. By asking questions, listening, and offering support, you can create an environment where your partner feels safe enough to open up.With time and patience, you should be able to help them through whatever is troubling them.If you are struggling to communicate with your partner, don't hesitate to seek professional help.

Author
Jennifer Luttman, LPC, ACS

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, and owner of Overcomers Counseling. I'm dedicated to helping individuals find strength and healing through life’s challenges. With a deep understanding of mental health and years of professional experience, I specialize in fostering hope and resilience while equipping her clients with tools to thrive. Passionate about empowering others, she creates a safe, supportive space where everyone feels seen, valued, and capable of overcoming obstacles on their path to well-being.

Common Questions about Marriage

Is it normal to feel nervous before starting couples therapy?

Yes, it's completely normal. Starting therapy can feel daunting as it often involves discussing sensitive topics. It's important to remember that it's okay to feel this way and that your therapist is there to support you.

How do you rebuild trust in a marriage after lying?

The first step is to take responsibility for your actions and apologize. Next, be honest with your thoughts and feelings. Show that you're willing to change and be a better partner. Finally, set some boundaries to help prevent future hurt. Remember to be patient as it takes time to rebuild trust.

Why is it important to address relationship issues?

Addressing relationship issues is crucial because unresolved problems can significantly impact your emotional well-being, overall satisfaction, and the longevity of your partnership. Left unaddressed, these issues can lead to increased conflict, emotional disconnection, and even the end of the relationship.

How long does it take to overcome overthinking in relationships?

The time it takes to overcome overthinking will vary depending on each individual's situation. Some people may see improvement after just a few sessions with a therapist, while others may need more time to work through underlying issues that contribute to their overthinking patterns. The important thing is to be patient with yourself and stay committed to taking steps toward overcoming overthinking in your relationship.

How does interdependence differ from co-dependence?

Interdependence involves a balanced give-and-take dynamic where both partners benefit and grow. In contrast, co-dependence features an imbalanced relationship dynamic, where one partner's needs and behaviors excessively dictate the other's actions, often leading to unhealthy dependency.

What can I do if my spouse isn't interested in rekindling the relationship?

While it can be challenging when one partner isn't on board with working on the relationship, it's important to have open and honest communication. Express your feelings and why it's important to you to work on the relationship. It may also be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist to work through any issues or to navigate the situation.