Mental Illness and Abusive Behavior in Relationships

It's important to take note of how mental illness can be associated with childhood trauma and learned maladaptive behaviors, but how much of those symptoms...

Marriage
June 26, 2025

It's important to take note of how mental illness can be associated with childhood trauma and learned maladaptive behaviors, but how much of those symptoms are attributed to abusive behavior, if at all? It is important to note the distinction between the two that abuse is a learned behavior that comes in many forms. It can be social, economic, physical, spiritual, sexual, racial, and ability-based.

Mental Illness is symptoms experienced that we are not necessarily in control of and can choose to cope with, whereas behavior we are always in control of.

Mental Illnesses as Manipulation

Having a mental illness can also be an emotional manipulation tactic used by abusers.

They essentially receive a 'label' by a mental health professional and automatically believe it excuses them from accountability and responsibility for their past and or current abusive behaviors. It can also be used to gaslight victims and survivors into thinking "that wasn't the person being abusive, it was their mental illness,' which can then lead them back into an abusive relationship they may have previously departed from.

Examples of Mental Illness where Abusive Behavior can be Inextricably Linked

Common mental illness diagnoses where abusive behavior is common are:

  • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder,
  • Bipolar Disorder,
  • Narcissistic Personality Disorder,
  • Anti-Social Personality Disorder,
  • and Borderline Personality Disorder as well as general anxiety and depression.

While these are serious mental health conditions, it is important to continue to be mindful that mental illness is not a direct cause of abusive behavior. Someone can be angry, sad, or manic and still behave kindly towards their partner, friend, etc.

Mental illness in relationships

Hiding the Behavior

A lot of times in social settings, abusive partners are very skilled at behaving in ways that do not exemplify or indicate their behaviors that they engage in at home when it is just them and their partner. This can increase difficulty in the victim/survivor receiving validation for their experiences, and if mental illness is present, a lot of times the blame is assuaged onto the diagnosis.

"Oh since your partner is Bipolar, they are probably just manic right now. I would just be extra careful what you say or do so they don't become irritable with you."

Unfortunately, these statements from family and friends can be all too common and further blur the lines between abusive behavior and mental illness.

Understanding the Differences

If your partner has diagnosed with a mental illness and engages in behavior such as

  • name-calling,
  • gaslighting,
  • controlling what you do, wear, who you see
  • etc.

It is important to be mindful of separating those behaviors from emotions/symptoms like irritability, hopelessness, apathy, excessive worrying.People can experience those emotions and symptoms without engaging in the above behaviors, especially if it is a partner or friend who is exclusively targeting you and no one else.

Resources

For anyone suspecting that they might be in an abusive relationship, there is an excellent resource in the form of a book entitled, "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft.

If you decide to purchase this book, it is important to make sure your partner does not know about it as it could lead to them to read it in order to manipulate/gaslight or endanger physical safety if you are experiencing physical abuse as well.

Tessa is a great resource in Colorado Springs for those currently experiencing domestic violence/abuse or who have past experiences of it.

Author
Jennifer Luttman, LPC, ACS

I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, and owner of Overcomers Counseling. I'm dedicated to helping individuals find strength and healing through life’s challenges. With a deep understanding of mental health and years of professional experience, I specialize in fostering hope and resilience while equipping her clients with tools to thrive. Passionate about empowering others, she creates a safe, supportive space where everyone feels seen, valued, and capable of overcoming obstacles on their path to well-being.

Common Questions about Marriage

How often should we attend couples counseling sessions?

The frequency of couples counseling sessions may vary depending on the specific issues being addressed and the recommendations of your therapist. Typically, couples attend weekly or biweekly sessions, especially during the initial phase of therapy. As progress is made, session frequency may decrease to provide the couple with opportunities to practice their new skills independently.

What are some common marriage problems?

Some common marriage problems include communication difficulties, financial stress, and infidelity.

When should I consider going to therapy?

If you're struggling with abandonment issues, it may be helpful to seek professional support. Consider consulting a mental health professional if your feelings of fear or insecurity are impacting your relationships or daily functioning. No matter what, it's important to remember that seeking help is a sign of strength. Taking this step can be an important part of overcoming abandonment issues and improving overall well-being.

How does interdependence differ from co-dependence?

Interdependence involves a balanced give-and-take dynamic where both partners benefit and grow. In contrast, co-dependence features an imbalanced relationship dynamic, where one partner's needs and behaviors excessively dictate the other's actions, often leading to unhealthy dependency.

Why is it important to overcome overthinking?

Overthinking can have a negative impact on your relationship, leading to feelings of anxiety, insecurity, and low self-esteem. By working to overcome overthinking in your relationship, you will be able to reduce stress and cultivate trust and security with your partner. This can help strengthen the bond between you and create a more positive and meaningful connection.

What can I do if my spouse isn't interested in rekindling the relationship?

While it can be challenging when one partner isn't on board with working on the relationship, it's important to have open and honest communication. Express your feelings and why it's important to you to work on the relationship. It may also be helpful to seek the guidance of a therapist to work through any issues or to navigate the situation.