How To Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

How To Rebuild Your Marriage After an Affair

Having an affair outside your marriage can cause a lot of damage to the relationship you have built with your partner and affect the stability of your marriage. 

However, when you realize your wrongdoings and decide to mend your relationship, with a lot of time and patience, there are ways you can rebuild your marriage after an affair.

The first step to repairing the trust in your marriage is to cut all ties with the third party. 

Have a final conversation with them about your intention of mending your marriage and let them know there will be no contact between you two anymore. 

It is necessary to clearly state your intentions to give the third party some closure and start the recovery process with your spouse.

When you cheat on your spouse, you tamper with their trust in you and their belief and emotional safety in the marriage. 

It might take a long time for your partner to recover from the heartbreak. 

Still, you can gradually gain back their trust by being completely honest. 

The tiniest lie or secret can ruin the recovery progress, so it's essential to be a completely open book.

Similarly, engaging in infidelity is not a good response to marital problems. 

Suppose unmet expectations and needs are causing suppressed dissatisfaction in your marriage; in that case, it is better to visit a therapist to address the situation than to cheat.

Consider this review to gain insight into the steps to take to rebuild your marriage after an affair:

Marriages & Couples Therapists in Colorado

Melanie Klinke, MA, MFTC, LPCC

Melanie Klinke, MA, MFTC, LPCC

(719) 345-2424
Hailey Gloden, MA, LPC, NCC

Hailey Gloden, MA, LPC, NCC

Colorado Springs, Colorado
(719) 602-1342
Margot Bean, LCSW

Margot Bean, LCSW

Colorado Springs, Colorado
(719) 345-2424
Heather Comensky, LPC

Heather Comensky, LPC

Aurora, Colorado
(720) 449-4121
Jessica Gutierrez-Gaytan, SWC

Jessica Gutierrez-Gaytan, SWC

(719) 345-2424
Randal Thomas, SWC

Randal Thomas, SWC

Colorado Springs, Colorado
(719) 602-1342
Jennifer Luttman, LPC, ACS

Jennifer Luttman, LPC, ACS

(719) 345-2424
Donna Janiec, LPC, NCC

Donna Janiec, LPC, NCC

(719) 345-2424
Seth Boughton, SWC

Seth Boughton, SWC

(720) 449-4121
Katie (Kate) Castillo, MS, LPCC

Katie (Kate) Castillo, MS, LPCC

Colorado Springs, Colorado
(719) 345-2424

Cut Ties With the Third Party 

It is advisable to cut all ties with the third party before confessing to your spouse about your infidelity to have a better chance of rebuilding your marriage after an affair. 

Discuss your intentions of being faithful to your spouse and discontinuing the affair. 

Suddenly ghosting them might pass the wrong message and lead to bigger problems.

There should be a complete halt to conversations between you at the third party. 

Avoid phone calls, face-to-face meetings, emails, and text messages between you and them. 

You should also unfollow them on your social media platform and avoid commenting or liking their posts if you used to.

Also, you should inform your spouse immediately if the third party continues to contact you. 

Doing so can increase your chance of them forgiving you and trusting you. 

You can discuss how to completely cut the third party off with your spouse if they are interested in having the conversation with you.

When you decide to choose your spouse and marriage over your affair with a third party, you need to be thorough with it.

If you continue to act the way you used to, you risk sending false signals to the third party, making it difficult for them to understand you are moving on.

Be Honest 

Honesty and transparency are essential for a successful marriage. 

Committing infidelity allows dishonesty in your marriage, thus breaking the trust and emotional safety between you and your spouse. 

To rebuild your marriage after an affair, you must take full responsibility for your actions and deviate from dishonesty.

It might be embarrassing to admit to having an affair; however, you expose your partner to painful imaginations when you keep them in the dark. 

If your spouse demands to know the details or asks you a few questions, you should tell them the complete truth.

Regardless of what they ask and how frequently they do, you can only bring back trust when you answer truthfully at all times.

Similarly, avoid lying, withholding information, and being secretive.

When your partner demands to look through your call history, social media, messages, personal email accounts, purse, and websites you have visited, you should allow them to do so. 

You can help your partner regain trust when you don't hide anything.

Likewise, you should not play the victim when telling your spouse the truth. 

There are consequences for every action, so it will be better to own up to your wrongdoings without playing the blame game.

Genuinely Apologize

Humans tend to throw themselves into a series of apologies after being caught cheating or confessing to having an affair. 

However, simply saying sorry is not enough to heal your partner's wounds and cure the heartbreak your actions have caused them.

Notwithstanding, to rebuild your marriage after an affair, genuinely apologizing is a necessary step you should take.

Your apologies become more meaningful when accompanied by remorse and genuine regret. 

Your partner needs to know why and what you are sorry for and how deeply you regret your actions.

Show your partner how genuinely sorry you are in words and with your actions. 

Your partner needs to be able to see, hear and feel how sorry you indeed are. 

You can communicate in low tones with facial expressions that show how apologetic you are. 

Don't get defensive if your partner asks questions in pain and anger.

Similarly, you need to understand that it might take a long time for your partner to forgive you.

It takes courage to forgive infidelity and try to rebuild trust and connection with someone who cheated on you. 

You must be willing to apologize and show remorse over and over again genuinely.

Give Your Partner Space and Time

After your spouse accepts the situation, it might take time to trust you and fully recover from the pain they are going through. 

You have to be patient and willing to give them space and time if you want to rebuild your marriage after an affair.

Suddenly playing the good spouse after infidelity might take the wrong turn and make your spouse resent you.

Instead, ask your partner how you make amends and reconnect with them.

You can also ask your partner about their expectations from you and how you can be more accountable to them. 

Your spouse may set new standards and expectations before they can trust and forgive you.

When you cheat on your spouse, you are not only breaking the trust in your marriage but also exposing your spouse to several negative emotions such as betrayal, pain, unworthiness, heartbreak, loneliness, emotional and mental distress, depression, and more. 

While you try to reconcile with your partner by meeting their newly set expectations, it is essential to be very patient and dedicated to making things work.

Visit a Therapist 

Visiting a marriage therapist personally or with your spouse can help you rebuild your marriage after an affair. 

There are several underlying reasons for engaging in infidelity in marriages, and a therapist can help you understand them.

Also, a good therapist can help you reconnect and rebuild the bond with your partner.

When you seek counseling with your spouse, you can both be vulnerable with each other and address the problems in the marriage. 

Your therapist might also help you figure out the problem by asking you more profound questions that will allow you and your spouse to have deeper conservations.

You may experience lots of emotions such as guilt and shame after cheating on your spouse. 

Visiting a therapist will help you heal from your negative emotions and recognize ways you can be a better person and a better spouse.

Likewise, your spouse might be having difficulty communicating with you because they feel betrayed and hurt. 

When you visit a therapist together, your spouse can genuinely express their negative feelings and get help on overcoming them.


Cheating on your spouse can cause severe damage to your spouse's emotional and mental well-being and affect the future of your marriage.

However, you can take certain steps to rebuild your marriage after an affair.

The steps include cutting all ties with the third party, being honest, apologizing genuinely, giving your spouse space and time, and visiting a therapist.


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May 18th, 2024

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