Trauma bonding looks a lot like love in the early days of a relationship due to the intense affection...
Trauma bonding looks a lot like love in the early days of a relationship due to the intense affection and "love-bombing" techniques used early in a relationship.But how can you tell if it's love or trauma bonding? One of the 8 ways to identify trauma bonding is the love-abuse-love cycle that an abuser uses.Another way to identify this is when you start making excuses for their behavior and claiming that you did something to bring on that behavior. You're walking on eggshells to avoid conflict, and you just don't know who you are anymore.If this sounds familiar, you most likely have a trauma bond with your abuser. Keep reading to learn more.
You know that feeling when you first get together with someone? You have to be with the person always, holding hands and expressing an overabundance of love and desire with each other, right?In a healthy relationship, this usually doesn't happen a day or two days after meeting someone. In fact, it can take quite a while for a relationship to progress this far.If your relationship started out quickly and became intense almost immediately, chances are your partner was looking for someone to manipulate and control rather than have a companion.Examples of this intensity might include the following:
These intense demonstrations of love early in the relationship don't always mean that there's a trauma bond, as some people just naturally belong together.It's when you experience abuse or mistreatment that signifies a trauma bond might exist.Enter your text here ...
Another way to identify trauma bonding is when you experience a love-abuse-love cycle. Things are going great, you're having a great time, and you're thinking, "Wow. They really have changed."Then, they abuse you in one way or another.After the abuse is over and some time has passed, they apologize and show intense displays of love. They might take you out for a fancy dinner or lavish expensive gifts on you.Then, the cycle starts again, and you're stuck in a never-ending cycle of abuse. This creates a trauma bond due to intermittent positive reinforcement.
In a healthy relationship, conflicts are dealt with civilly and with love and understanding. Bad moods or upsetting things aren't a trigger for abuse.But if you're in an unhealthy relationship and have a trauma bond with an abusive person, a bad mood is a trigger for abuse.So if you feel like you're constantly watching your moods or avoiding saying the wrong thing so you don't trigger abuse, you're walking on eggshells.In a trauma-bonded relationship, a victim constantly monitors their partner's moods to avoid abuse. If this is how your relationship feels, it might be time to seek a counselor to help you.
Continuing the last point, a trauma bond victim consistently makes excuses for their abuser's behavior, which might look like the following:"He wouldn't have had to hit me if I didn't talk back to him.""I know she didn't mean it. She's having a rough time right now.""If I would have just had sex with him, he wouldn't have raped me."The trauma bond keeps victims from fully blaming their abuser and instead makes them blame themselves for the abuse.
A trauma bond messes with your mind because you don't see the abuse as abuse. So you rationalize the bad things that happen and blame yourself for not avoiding them.Or you might think that if you were better at the finances, or housekeeping, or whatever, then you wouldn't have been yelled at or hit.The abuser blames you for everything, and instead of rejecting that blame, you accept and believe it.This allows the abuser to be justified in their behavior towards you.
Part of a trauma bond is that there are not always bad times. The good times are great, which is what bonds you to the person.Loving attention gives you a high similar to a cocaine or heroin addiction, and increases your dopamine production, making it much more difficult to leave the relationship.While you're abused and belittled, you stay because you want the good times to occur more often.If the abuser never gave you loving attention, it would be easier to write off the relationship and leave. But in a trauma bond, the intermittent positive reinforcement keeps you suffering the abuse.
An abusive person is often a narcissist or someone who needs to control every situation and contact. This might mean that they force or manipulate you to isolate yourself from family and friends.Or it might be that you self-isolate due to hiding the abuse from those who love you and want the best for you.But whatever the case is, a consequence of a trauma bond is often isolation from family and friends.So if you feel ashamed or unable to talk or spend time with them, you might have a trauma bond.
An abuser's goal is to wear the victim down to the point of them pushing their identity down so much that they don't even know who they are anymore.For example, say the victim used to be outgoing and friendly before getting into a trauma-bonded relationship.But throughout the relationship, the abuser told the victim several disparaging things about their character and beat them down emotionally and mentally.At the end of their relationship, the victim was shy, withdrawn, and a shell of their former self.If you feel like you've lost your identity and you have no idea who you are anymore because of the relationship, you might have a trauma bond.
Trauma bonding is often confused with love, and if you don't know the signs to look for, you might think you've found "the one."Victims often realize too late that they're in a toxic relationship. Remember, the signs of trauma bonding include the following:
When you can recognize the signs, you can start your healing journey and, hopefully, find a healthy relationship in the future.
I am a Licensed Professional Counselor, and owner of Overcomers Counseling. I'm dedicated to helping individuals find strength and healing through life’s challenges. With a deep understanding of mental health and years of professional experience, I specialize in fostering hope and resilience while equipping her clients with tools to thrive. Passionate about empowering others, she creates a safe, supportive space where everyone feels seen, valued, and capable of overcoming obstacles on their path to well-being.
Yes, it is possible for new triggers to emerge as you delve deeper into your healing journey. Discuss any new triggers with your therapist, who can help you develop strategies for managing them effectively.
To determine whether your insurance covers trauma-informed therapy, you can contact your insurance provider directly or review your benefits package for information about mental health coverage.
Additionally, when contacting potential therapists, ask if they accept your insurance plan.
The timeline for reducing the impact of triggers varies for each individual and depends on factors such as the nature of the trauma and the progress made in therapy.
Be patient with yourself and work closely with your therapist to monitor your progress.
Yes, many trauma-informed therapists offer telehealth or online services, especially in light of the increased demand for remote support due to the COVID-19 pandemic.
When researching therapists or during initial consultations, inquire about their availability for virtual sessions and any associated requirements or limitations.
Yes. Trauma counseling can be adapted to suit individuals of all ages, including children and adolescents. It's important to address trauma in children as early as possible to prevent long-term effects on their mental health and development.
Yes, it's essential to find a therapist with whom you feel comfortable and supported.
If you find that the therapist you initially chose isn't the right fit, you can revisit your list of potential therapists and try scheduling another consultation.
