When a Narcissist Discards You

When a Narcissist Discards You

When a narcissist discards you, it can be very painful.

Whether it's a parent, sibling, or romantic partner when a narcissist discards you it can leave you wondering why…

You would think that a narcissist would always want you around, feeding into their monstrous ego.

And yet, when a narcissist discards you, it means you are not playing his/her selfish game anymore.

When a narcissist discards you, it means you've burst their bubble, and jeopardized their irrational fantasy world.

Discard is the perfect word too. Narcissists are seldom interested in 'working things out' or reaching a compromise.

If you do not give a narcissist what they want, then hit the road.

What are some reasons a narcissist may discard you?

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Shannon Matlock, LPC, NCC

Shannon Matlock, LPC, NCC

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When a Narcissist Discards You: Lack of Control

When a narcissist discards you it often means they feel a lack of control over you.

Narcissists are control freaks. A narcissist must have his/her way and will do anything to have it.

For a narcissist, all relationships are ultimately about controlling the other person. Any love, affection, attention, or care they may show you, is just a means to an end.

Narcissists have their own strict schedules, expectations, habits, quirks, and routines. When a narcissist discards you, it means you are not falling in line with their plans.

It can be difficult to coexist with a narcissist.

Simple things like going on vacation or shopping. A narcissist will always want to do what they want to do, with little to no regard for the interests of others.

And if a narcissist agrees to do what you want, they want to be praised for their 'generosity' or 'consideration'. 

When a Narcissist Discards You: Self Image

When a narcissist discards you, it means you are not feeding into their irrational, perfect self-image.

Narcissists think they are special, often perfect. When a narcissist discards you, it is because you have said or done something to challenge their perfect self-image.

Narcissists need constant praise and affirmation. When a narcissist discards you, they will often claim it is because you are 'not encouraging enough'.

When in reality, you're just not stroking their massive, desperate ego enough.

Part of a narcissist's self-image is vanity. Narcissists often believe they are 'better looking' than others.

This can be true even when they are not! When a narcissist discards you, it is because either you made them feel unattractive, or they feel you are not attractive enough for them.

A narcissist might say to their partner, "I can do better than you," a veiled threat. Narcissists often use threatening, passive-aggressive language in relationships.

When a narcissist discards you, it may be sudden or after long-term verbal and mental abuse.

When a Narcissist Discards You: Criticism

When a narcissist discards you, it's often because you dared to criticize them.

Criticism can be healthy, especially constructive criticism. Every healthy relationship should include the freedom to give your parent, sibling, or partner constructive criticism.

Healthy relationships should be about 'keeping each other in check and helping each other grow into a better person.

Not for the narcissist! Criticism of any kind will never be accepted by a narcissist.

For a narcissist, criticism can never be constructive. When a narcissist discards you, it's because they believe you can't criticize perfection.

Narcissists are often the harshest critics of others. A narcissist is arrogant and believes the only person who can do a task correctly is them.

Ever hear someone say, "If you want the job done right, then do it yourself."? Classic narcissist. 

When a Narcissist Discards You: Shared Interests & Opinions

When a narcissist discards you, it is because you will not give up your interests or opinions and agree with them.

Narcissists like what they like, and do what they do. And they expect you to like and do the same things.

If a narcissist likes to fish, then you must go fishing. If a narcissist is a Republican, then you must be too.

Narcissists have no interest in the opinions, interests, hobbies, or activities of others.

When a narcissist discards you, it is because you have not subsumed your personality into theirs.

In order for a narcissist to tolerate you and have a relationship with you, then you must give up your individuality. You must become them.

A narcissist will not argue their point. Narcissists are not interested in healthy dialogue or constructive conversation.

"It's my way or the highway," threatens the narcissist. When a narcissist discards you, it may be because you simply tried to reason with them.

Remember, narcissists, are irrational. The irony is, that they believe they are the most rational people on the planet.

When a Narcissist Discards You: Public Shame

When a narcissist discards you, it is because they irrationally believe you have embarrassed them in public.

A narcissist will not endure public shame. Why? Because a narcissist lives to receive praise from the public.

Narcissists are obsessed with their public persona. A narcissist works hard to make people believe he is perfect.

And in the mind of a narcissist, you are an extension of that public persona. If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, then they believe you are a direct reflection of them.

This means if you make a mistake or reveal any personal flaws (which we all do) then the narcissist takes it personally.

If you make a mistake at work or accidentally say the wrong thing at a party, a narcissist will become angry.

For narcissists, embarrassment always leads to anger. When a narcissist discards you, it is often in anger.

When a narcissist discards you, they will often attempt to shame you in the process. 

Survival Guide and Checklist for Narcissistic Relationships

Managing the aftermath of a narcissist discard can be incredibly challenging. Below is a guide and checklist to help you navigate this difficult time and focus on your self-care.

Step Action Checklist
1 Accept the Reality of the Narcissistic Discard Acknowledge that the narcissistic discard phase is a part of the cycle in narcissistic relationships.
2 Seek Support Talk to friends, family, or a therapist who understands narcissistic abuse and can offer support.
3 Set Boundaries Establish clear boundaries to prevent further emotionally abusive behavior from the narcissistic person.
4 Focus on Self-Compassion Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that the narcissistic discard refers to their behavior, not your worth.
5 Engage in Self-Care Activities Make time for activities that nurture your mind and body, such as exercise, meditation, or hobbies.
6 Educate Yourself Learn about narcissistic tendencies and borderline personality disorder to better understand the dynamics at play.
7 Rebuild Your Identity Focus on rediscovering your interests and strengths that may have been overshadowed in the narcissistic relationship.
8 Limit Contact Minimize or eliminate contact with the narcissistic person to reduce the risk of further manipulation.
9 Maintain Mental Health Consider seeking help from mental health nursing practices to manage stress and anxiety effectively.
10 Join Support Groups Connect with others who have experienced narcissistic relationships to share experiences and advice.

Learn More About Narcissist Discard and Other Forms of the Narcissistic Abuse Cycle

The narcissist discard phase is a distressing part of the narcissistic abuse cycle, often leaving victims confused and emotionally dependent.

Narcissistic tendencies such as seeking narcissistic supply, displaying narcissistic traits, and craving narcissistic admiration can undermine healthy relationships.

Those with a narcissistic parent or sibling may experience long-term impacts on their mental health condition. Recognizing these patterns is crucial for the healing process.

For more insights on this complex dynamic, read about the narcissistic abuse cycle, victim mentality traits, signs of narcissistic women, and identifying a narcissistic sibling

Conclusion

When anyone discards you, it's painful and leads to grief.

When a narcissist discards you, it's no different. Even though narcissists are abusive, it doesn't mean you don't love them or miss them.

When a narcissist discards you, it will take time to grieve and make sense of it. Seek professional counseling.

A professional counselor can lead you through the stages of grief and help you better understand the irrationality of the narcissist in your life.

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June 18th, 2024

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